Finally, here are some of the jokes and riddles.....

 

Finally, here are some of the jokes and riddles you sent in response to my appeal. I haven't groaned this much since I woke up from surgery.

Katie (Anita) Hudak of El Paso, Texas: What do you call a hippopotamus with long hair and love beads?
A hippie-potamus!

Bill Henning: Have you ever noticed that when geese migrate, they fly in a vee formation? And if you look closely, you'll note that one side of the vee is always longer than the other. And do you know why that is?
(Wait for it.)
There are more geese on that side.

Grant Thierolf: A nurse reached into her pocket, pulled out a rectal thermometer, and thought to herself,
"Some a------ has got my pen."

Jaylyn Olivo: (For all those grammar freaks who no doubt read your column):
A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

Michael Anthony: A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar. And the bartender asks, "Is this some kind of joke?"

Gary McNamee: An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery. The Englishman says to the Irishman, "Hey, watch this," at which point he walks up to the counter when the baker's back is turned and steals three buns, putting them in his pockets.

When he returns to the back of the shop, he says, "Did you see that? It took a lot of skill and guile to pull that off." The Irishman replies, "That's nothing but common thievery. I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."

The Irishman then walks up to the baker and says, "Excuse me sir. Would you care to see a magic trick?" The baker nods and the Irishman then asks for one of his buns. He proceeds to eat it and then asks for two more, eating them as well.

The baker then says, "OK son, so where's the magic trick?" to which the Irishman replies, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."  😁

Sonny from Southie: I was really bummed the other day when I went into my favorite brewery and they told me all flights were canceled.

Liz Gianturco: A 15-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me $15."

The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for $15!?" they asked. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for $15."

"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for $15 and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."

John Daly: An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where they'd be taught to remember things by association. A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

"What was the name of the instructor?" asked the neighbor. "Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered.  "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?" "A rose?" asked the neighbor. "Yes, that's it," replied the old man.

He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

Patti Corscaden of Newcastle, Maine: What's the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?
Iron Man stops the bad guys. Aluminum Man just foils their plans.