Who did this mess?

 

Danny Beuerbach und so.

Manchin through the holidays

 

WHY SENIORS STILL NEED NEWSPAPERS

WHY SENIORS STILL NEED NEWSPAPERS

        I was visiting my granddaughter recently and I asked if I could
        borrow a newspaper.

        "This is the 21st century," she said.We don't waste money on
        newspapers. Here, use my iPad."

        I can tell you this. That spider never knew what hit him. 

The Bathtub Test

 

The Bathtub Test During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."         "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"   ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON?   OR DO YOU WANT the bed next to mine?

 

 

Wal-Martians

 

Original song celebrating the People of Wal-Mart. I wrote this song after recieving a "People of Wal-Mart" email. I went to www.peopleofwalmart.com and downloaded pictures to fit the lyrics. I hope you enjoy it for the entertainment alone. No social comment is intended. My cd "Rode Hard",containing "Wal-Martians" is available on iTunes, Amazon and http://www.thedavethomasband.com under the "BUY STUFF" tab. I look forward to meeting you in person at a future show.

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday....

 

Julie Morgan

AutggrSust 1e8drp rlofiamt enmsorteg7:ci3mhd5 PmigM  · 

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. do you understand?!!”

I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull…. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs

“Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”

Cat & Mouse

 

Sipping vodka....

 

SIPPING VODKA       This is too funny - I still have tears in my eyes!  Finally, a chain letter that I don't mind forwarding.                            A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.  After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.         The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."        So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.  At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He proceeded to talk up a storm.        Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:       1)  Sip the vodka, don't gulp.   2)  There are 10 commandments, not 12.   3)  There are 12 disciples, not 10.   4)  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.   5)  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.   6)  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..   7)  The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.   8)  David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..   9)  When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.   10)  We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'   11)  When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body."  He did not say,"Eat me."   12)  The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.   13)  The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.   14)  Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's nota peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Thought for the day....

 

Very Short Story

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
Woman yells out window, PIG!
Man yells out window, BITCH!
Man rounds next curve.
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought For the Day:

If men would just listen.......